The Struggles of An African Mother

                                               Photo by nappy from Pexels

In the last few months, I've had to look inwards in a bid to reinvent myself, so I scroll and click through numerous sites. Sitting back at home, limited with nowhere to go due to the enforced restrictions on movement and the need to have a relook on my business model. I scroll through financial sites to see the latest information on new business models in the face of the COVID‐19 pandemic. 

Clicking endlessly through social media leads to learning how to improve my financial standing and to make money even though I am stuck at home. 

I click through CDC charts to see the increasing number of cases in Africa and around the world. Every day I get SMS which warn and predict that the virus will continue to spread if I do not take responsibility and be supportive of social distancing measures.

Yes, all I've done in the last few months is surf, scroll and click, through a pile of information on the web, troubled and bothered about a pandemic that has affected all sphere of society and the government's failure to prioritize the lives of citizens over their own personal interests.

I lay awake at night worried about what could happen next,  to people who I know must go to work; hospital staff, bankers, pharmacies, broadcasters who are at the frontline giving daily updates, those in charge of food and palliatives and every other essential that ensure we survive and our society runs smoothly; not forgetting folks without resources or a place to call home.

This season has made me push myself while trying to balance being a parent to four children- struggling for turns as they go through their online classes on my smartphone, being an attentive spouse, writing articles for magazines which I hope gets accepted, reading through endless emails and starting an ebook project, while I deal with the lows that come with being financially unstable like many other African women. 

My life, like those of my African sisters, is put on hold. Everything is put on hold. A normal daily routine is disrupted. Work is stalled with offices closed except for those on essential duties. Forced to sit at home I move from one role to another, repeating the same routine to get the day's job done, I end up tired and drained.

Yet it's still not enough

I stomp my feet sometimes so my kids would copy out notes and lessons their teachers have uploaded online: screenshots of lesson notes, short videos of subjects taught, online assessments that need to be submitted schedule. Home is now also a school for kids who may not go back to school anytime soon. 

Fortunately, my kids learn every day even though I have to pay more for internet services. A sharp contrast to the many children residing somewhere in the hinterland who cannot afford or do not have access to this learning. 

This is the usual bittersweet experience of many African children who are out of school and do not have access to learning facilities, a situation exasperated by the pandemic. Now at home, they have no option but to join their families to work on the farm if they must survive. 

Even if only for this reason, I want to work harder to ensure a bright future for my children so I scroll and click the more in search of what more needs to be done.

Even so, my kids still want me to answer questions that pop out of nowhere, as they attempt to figure out how their lives have been put aground because of this crisis. They flock to check for mommy, now no matter where I hide to work, I see my battalion trouping in. 

Now, everything is at a snail's pace, I go to bed feeling like I've only succeeded in completing a tiny percent of my work-list. Truth be told, I haven't and do not think I will ever be able to complete tasks as before, and I worry; for all I see now is a future that screams of uncertainty. Every day is unpredictable, nothing is ever the same as it was the last time it was viewed.

And I Keep Failing

I believe that every one of us is struggling with the changes forced on us by the pandemic. I admit also, that I am fortunate to be relatively privileged in this period when many others can barely feed, nor afford the basic necessities of life. Not to mention the extra burden which staying at home amplifies. 

One would reason that this is not a season for exemplar or outstanding output of any kind. Frankly, I am aware of this fact. Regardless, I still feel like I'm failing over and again as everything is now a struggle, I can hardly complete tasks that I am supposed to do. Kelly J. Baker noted, that "we can't always do everything well; it's simply not possible. We can only do good enough. We can only keep so many balls in the air at one time".

When I consider the number of people who depend on my being afloat in this ocean of uncertainty to survive, I hold on. Pushing to improve the possibility of any kind of stability. Most often, I feel defeated by systems that leave little or no room for African writers in the global workspace but even more angry at the limited opportunity for growth in my motherland Africa. 

This leaves me groping for any form of a lifeline.

Right now, I'm still struggling, not close to having achieved anything satisfactory. I cannot tell if another person feels this way, but right now being good enough is overrated. I am a hustler trying to survive in this ocean while trying to pull out others with me. The waves are slapping me hard in the face and trying to sink me down to the bottom.

Nora Roberts believes that some balls are glass and others are plastic. So, one is left with a hard choice of which to pick for they all do not remain the same when they fall. This health crisis offers me the chance to choose wisely. Yes, I am forced to weigh everything I once believed in against the backdrop of today's happenings. I see clearly the things which are of value -like my family, and friends who stand by me in these trying times not to mention my well-being. I can't afford to drop those balls because they matter.

Within the first weeks of staying at home, it dawned on me that having family and friends who love and support me makes a lot of difference. Looking out for them in this pandemic became my prerogative, so I focused on them.

Adapting to the needs of my family is no easy feat but I am continually learning. Choose to hold onto relationships that can be likened to true glass as that is what matters the most. Evaluate and set priorities. 

Let's move on recognizing that this too shall pass. Staying afloat in troubled waters is all I'm trying to do, even if it sucks the breath out of me.  The joy of cute happy faces keeps me rejuvenated.